Hello darlin’s. This is going to be slightly different and personal to what I normally write. I was going to write about something completely different, but I got into a little moment and I decided it was time I got it off my chest. I’m the kind of person that tends to keep things to myself, I don’t like worrying people if I’m being honest. I’ll be straight out with it, I have a form of anxiety. The form that tends to come out of no where and plays on your darkest thoughts. When someone says I’m say ‘useless’ it will play on it and make a situation worse, even though I know that I’m not useless. I hide behind a smile sometimes because it’s easier to say nothing is wrong or I’m confused with what’s going on. I didn’t understand it, until now.
It’s not something that I’m ashamed to admit either, in fact I’m afraid of it because of how difficult it can get or how quickly I can fall into a dark, deep hole. Every morning is a struggle to get out of bed, the reason I do is for the closest people to me. My family, a couple of close friends and my partner. Who I have finally told, and they have been brilliant and understanding. I know from experience how difficult it can be to see things in a positive manner, being constantly bullied at high school and called horrible things didn’t help the matters. I believed half the things that where said to me. But when I got to my worst point, I somehow pulled myself out of it and I’m not too sure how I did it. I am not useless or ugly or stupid. I am a carer for my younger brother, I am a beautiful woman, I am a highly intelligent woman.
Some people might not understand why I’m admitting this, others may think I’m just attention seeking, and some people will know why I’m doing this. Being honest, I’m not fussed what some people may think, this is about my state of mental and emotional health. About my battle! I’ve come out the other side with scars and an emotional battering, but I’m stronger and so much more confident. I’m not afraid to admit I need help or scared any more. In fact since I reached 20 I have began to realise that most of the bullies where jealous of my intelligence, of my tan that I’m so proud of, maybe they didn’t like my natural hair colour or the fact that I always smiled. I keep fighting every day and I’m winning!! If some of you are having the same problems as me, I suggest you try to talk to someone or even write things down if talking is too soon. There will be people who can help, and they can come in many forms.
Everyone is special, unique in their own way, beautiful inside and out, intelligent in their own right. I hope this helps someone out there that needs it. It’s nice to know your not on your own. xx